When it gets to early November, my grandmother never fails to remind me that I need to start making Christmas cakes. One for people who drop by over the holiday period, one for my brother (because for some reason she thinks this is my job) and one for January. As much as I love Nana, I don’t know if she realizes that modern women like me aren’t nearly as domesticated as she thinks. I would rather open a jar of gherkins and dump them on the coffee table for my visitors than spend a whole day baking a hundred kilos of assorted dried fruit together.
I have just moved into a new loft with my partner, and am still in the nesting stage. So I thought it might be nice to at least attempt to be hospitable to my guests and offer them cake. I emailed around my girlfriends asking for recipes and the only real reply other than “go get a ready made one” was the following from my friend Fran.
Christmas Cake
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup assorted nuts
1 bottle of brandy
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample Brandy to check the quality. Take a large bowl and check the brandy again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of brandy and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Ass one teaspoon of sugar. Bet again. At this point it is best to make sure the brandy is shtill alrighty. Try more just to be surree. Turn off the mixerer. Throw leggs in to thee bowl and then pour the dried fruit into your hands and throw it at the eggs. Pick fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. if the frieddruit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample Brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next sift a bunch of salt. Or sumthing, who giveshz a toss. Check the brandy. Yummmmmmm. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add some sugar or something. Whatever. Grease the overn. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Throw the bowl out the window, finish the brandy and kick the cat.
Thanks Fran, Nana will be so proud.